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Mistaken look into the Past

I made the horrible mistake of looking at Frank Crummitt's Facebook today.

He has been married to his wife for 13 years.

Im going to crawl into my corner of darkness and saddness now.

Love,

Da PRP

Hello Friends

Hello Everyone.
I am still alive.
I sure do have many happy memories of this place.

love,
Da PRP
If I want to go out on ONE date with someone, who their room mate happens to be should not be a factor.

I hate going on places like Gay.com and Adam 4 Adam, they were fun when I was in my 20's but now its just a damn meat market to me.

My friend Chris is not coming to stay with me anymore. Having him around was going to be a nice reprieve from the loneliness. It is devastatingly clear I am alone, everyone thinks they know what is best. But everyone is either in a relationship, or has multiple prospects.

I either get a boyfriend on their terms or strike it on my own with little to no support. I feel sincerely trapped.

I have just put myself in a situation where I just feel lonely and with no support. I know with Casey I had no money and was stressed out all the time. But now I am LONELY and with no money. Exactly what I was afraid of.

My life is joke.

Pissed

I CAN be trusted.

Do not keep secrets from me.

I WILL find out.

Thank the gods for the privacy of LJ

another day

I am so many things right now.

I am good because I have a job interview on Monday for good paying seasonal work.

I am bad because a good, close friend is suffering, while trudging through misery and snow.

I have to look forward. I have to make sure I am taking care of my responsibilities.I need to grow up, its time. I can not look back I have to look forward. I wish I could wrap my arms around him and tell him its all going to be okay. I think of the candles out on my balcony, arranged by direction and color in a circle of power. I think what I could do with that power. I need it for me, if I can not help myself I will never be able to help others.

I have to be independent. I can accomplish this, I can accomplish ANYTHING I set my mind to. Noch was right, I have offered all the help I am able. Now it is time to truly focus on me. To pick myself up from my rock-bottom and make my life stable once again.

Wish me luck, it will be a hard road, but in the end it will be worth it.


Love,

Hector

Dear LJ

As much as I am enjoying my new found privacy on here, I sure do miss one thing about livejournal.

People commenting!

I guess its a double edged sword really. With less people on here I can more honestly express my feelings. However, that also means the comments of love and support I used to get all the time have vanished as well.

I really should light a green candle tonight. The Full Moon is coming soon. I haven't done a very good job taking care of myself. Now I am almost out of time.

My mother and Bryan are pretty much fed up with me. I wish I hadn't left Casey, I was a better man when I was taking care of him. As soon as he left I suddenly stopped being a sympathetic provider and just became a scatter brained charity case.

I'm not good at anything that pays money. I'm good at making friends, and running games. Even that is subject to criticism. I can't even get the government to aid me temporarily with money even though I am poor and I NEED it.

I feel like such a failure right now.

Flashback

I'm 21 years old.
He promised he would be here for my birthday. I went with a friend out to drink for the first time. We danced all night and he took me home drunk.
It was the prelude to 2 years of broken promises to come back.

Frank Allen Crummitt Jr
Best Friend
Room mate
Lover
Liar

I am tumbling back there and its scary. I want to retreat to something different, or differently familiar. I need to be strong. The past is not the present, and although many see it is doomed to repeat I have hope that this time it will all be different.

Because it is.
I have been hurt in the past, but I can not let that keep me from living my life.
I just wish I could banish this fear growing in the pit of my stomach.

Love

Love is dangerous.
It drives you to do reckless, undisciplined things.
Being apat creates unimaginable pain and loneliness.
It brings down the strongest and most independent of men.
It brings us low like sobbing children,
when we should be tall, strong, and confident.

When I am not wrapped up in it, and observing from outside,
I am horrified at its all consuming power.

There are powerful forces of love at work in my life and they are rumbling with much power.
I have faith the gods will see us through, but I fear that some may wish to enjoy the choas they cause in the mean time.

Oh gods of fortune and plenty, smile upon me so I might harvest a good job, and fill my purses with money.

Touch Me, I love this song

Melchior:
Where I go, when i go there,
No more memory anymore-
Only men on distant ships,
The women with them, swimming with them, to shore...

Moritz:
Where I go, when I go there,
No more whispering anymore-
Only hymns upon your lips;
A mystic wisdom, rising with them, to shore...

Ernst:
Touch me-just like that.
And that-oh, yeah-now, that's heaven.
Now, that I like.
God that's so nice.
Now lower down, where the figs lie...

Moritz: (Spoken)
Still, you must admit, with the two anatomies, it truly is daunting.
I mean how everything might..

Melchior: (Spoken)
Measure up?

Moritz: (Spoken)
Not that I'm saying I wouldn't...I wouldn't want to not...would ever not want to...

Melchior: (Spoken)
Moritz?

Moritz: (Spoken)
I have to go.

Melchior: (Spoken)
Moritz, wait.

Otto:
Where I go when I go there,
No more shadows anymore-
Only men with golden fins;
The rythm in them, rocking with them, to shore...

Georg:
Where I go when I go there,
no more weeping anymore.
Only in and out your lips;
the broken wishes, washing with them, to shore.

All:
Touch me-all silent.
Tell me-please-all is forgiven.
Consume my wine.
Consume my mind.
I'll tell you how, how the winds sigh...

Touch me-just try it.
Now there-that's it-God that's heaven.
Touch me.
I'll love your light.
I'll love you right...
We'll wander down, where the sins lie...

Touch me-just like that.
Now lower down, where the sins lie...

Love me-just for bit...
We'll wander down, where the winds sigh...
Where the winds sigh...
Where the winds sigh...

Complicated

I am back from ALA and had a great time. I was ready to face the big job hunt and turn this year around.

Casey is moving back and staying with Gibby and I just found out today.

I am kinda a spiral of emotion right now. But I cannot let it get to me. Lanae is going to help me with a ride home tonight. Tomorrow begins another day. Job hunting, Con planning, and unpacking. I can do this.